Random thoughts

At this point, I would just like a diagnosis. Another possibility that my family doctor gave me was a mini-stroke. Apparently the infarctions show up on an MRI in the same way that the demylination does.

There are some other possibilities as well. I'm waiting now for my neurologist referral, which the doctor said could take up to six weeks (to get in, not the referral itself).

I'm at work this morning. I don't have any work to actually do at the moment. I could manufacture some for myself (not just busy work, but I could come up with something productive) or request more work (which is what I should do), but I can't bear the thought of making even that little effort at the moment. Event writing this blog is fatiguing.

My stepson, Nicholas, came to visit his mother and I this weekend. He's five. I enjoy his visits, but I wasn't able to engage him as much as I like to.

I worry about the strain that this is putting on my wife, Liz. She has her own health issues to worry about, without adding this to it. In some ways, I feel like she's more stressed about this than I am. I think I can understand that. I know if the roles were reversed, I'd probably be more upset than she was. Luckily she has quite a number of people she can talk to and lean on, both online and out in the Real World™. Still - we've only been married a month (today, in fact) and it's so much to ask her to deal with. But she hasn't once gotten annoyed or frustrated with me over this. She says I'm stuck with her forever, no matter what.

At this exact moment, I'm feeling numb in my left cheek and my entire forehead, my left shoulder and thigh and the fingers on my left hand. There's also a bit of numbness inside my mouth on the left. It's not an entirely numb feeling - more like slightly dulled. I can still feel, but the sensations are not as intense as they should be, and there's a slight tingling in those areas, as well. It's worrying because this sensation seems to be spreading, across the forehead and into my mouth.

More worrying to me, though, is that my brain is getting a bit cloudy at times. Friday I had a moment of confusion and couldn't remember where my cubicle was. It was only a moment and it passed quickly, but it was still scary. Who knows? Maybe it was just one of those normal forgetful moments we all have. But for me, now, any time I get slightly confused or muddled it feels like the beginning of the end. It scares me.

Just watch - this will all probably turn out to be nothing in the end, and I'll have wasted all this perfectly good worrying for nothing.